But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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