Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
