I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
