it was like his penis was on wheels.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
