I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
