we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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