I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The beer is more important than you right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
