I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
