oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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