Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
