There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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