there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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