The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
