You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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