There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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