How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
