I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
