Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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