I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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