I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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