if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
