Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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