I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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