I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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