The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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