he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
