I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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