I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
