My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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