He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
