my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
