I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
