Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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