Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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