he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
