My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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