And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
