How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I looked at my own cervix.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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