My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They have beer where we have blood.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
