Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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