if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
