I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
