Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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