he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
