It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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