Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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