She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
