I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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