I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My life is pants optional.
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