Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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