rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
