My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just pee around me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
