Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Also, beer. Big fan.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
