Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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