Just fell off a train. Bad.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
