So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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