Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
