how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
