the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
